Bend snap market

If you’re at Home Depot strategically on a Sunday, choose an item from the highest shelf, such as a lightbulb. You don’t really need a bulb? It doesn’t really matter. That’s not what’s important. You can get a lightbulb by screaming, “YOU’RE THE ONLY HOPE!” and groaning loudly. If you do it badly, security will escort you out of the shop. Practice makes perfect!

The Slip and Split

You’ll need to wear pants that are way too tight, but you can’t throw them out. You know it. Place the peel in front of you and do an exaggerated pratfall. Let those Lululemons fly. You can do a split if you are a more experienced practitioner.

The Jog and Wiggle

It will take you three hours more to complete your regular exercise routine, but the extra time is worth it once you start complaining to friends about how your man won’t help around the house. The Jog and Wiggle is the easiest of all the exercises. It involves two simple steps: jog for three paces and then wiggle in place for six. Repeat this until Adonis in front of you calls you or asks you to go out. For maximum effect, we recommend that you invest in a bunny outfit or a fluffy tail — like Elle.

The Sneeze and Shimmy

Many of our women find that a few cats are enough to make them sneeze. When you start to sneeze, turn your body toward your future partner and scream, “I choose you!”. You can also shake your shoulders or let your feverish chills take over if you are truly ill.

The High Kick and Hobble

You can now become a Rockette if you have always wanted to but didn’t have the talent, discipline, or connections. Radio City Music Hall is a great place to do this, as it doesn’t look wild. But that’s not a requirement. You want to make a good first impression. We guarantee the hottie behind you in the line at the bodega is going to be thinking about your inflexibility for the rest of the day. You may have won his heart, but it’s more likely that he is thinking, “Who was that weirdo who nearly kicked my face and then limped off without apologizing?” The Pirouette and Topple is a popular modification.

The Double Dip and Grin

You probably didn’t know that an egregious party offense could land you a guy! It’s not likely to work, but you should give it a shot. You can also grab a spot at your friend’s dinner party and dig into the pita and hummus spread. Start with a small scoop of hummus and a dainty bit to entice the man of your dreams. Return the pita to the bowl, and then shovel a portion as big as your head into your cakehole. If he grimaces, flash your best “Who me?” smile. Smile and exaggeratedly shrug your shoulders to emphasize. This one is all about timing.

The Wink and Weep

Show him you can be coy and cute…and that you are always just seconds away from bursting into tears! This technique is versatile, and you can use it anywhere – on the bus or at work, even in front of the Hass Avocados at your local supermarket. Start by channeling your inner Rihanna, work-work-work-work-working those long lashes, all while thinking about the end of A Star Is Born so you can be ready to unleash the waterworks as soon as he meets your gaze. You can also say, “I wanted to look again at you,” between sobs if you are feeling brave.

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